I know, my post titles are so original, right? (haha)
After an unexpected time away where I was essentially forced to be "off grid" and all there was to do was reading and sleeping, I finally felt like reading (and writing) again. I can't exactly describe the level of exhaustion the last 2-3 months of my life has brought me, nor do I even think I want it all to really make sense. So now, I present some of my thoughts on Chapter 3.
There were some pretty long examples in this chapter and I decided I'm going to pull a few things out which I found meaningful in some way.
-It's one thing for a wife to nag her husband; it's entirely more effective when God convicts a husband.
-Instead of obsessing over the symptom, ask God to heal the disease.
-When you make a promise to someone, regardless of your motive behind the promise, It's still a promise.You have to own it.
-The "safe" path is sometimes a slow drift toward destruction.
-The most damaging thing you can do in an unhealthy relationship is nothing.
-People give up on their marriages, give up on prayer, give up on their churches, give up on their kids and eventually give up on themselves. They say, "It's no use" and start to sulk instead of painstakingly remaking their marriage. Simply because their first (or even tenth) attempt failed.
-We must make deliberate choices.
-We must be active and confront the weaknesses we see in ourselves and in each other.
Allow me to speak first to why these stood out to me, then I will get to the questions posed at the end of the chapter.
I have always prayed that I would not be a wife of nagging, but of support and encouragement to the man I marry. I saw things in my parents marriage that I didn't want for my own, so I began praying even then, that it would be different and specific to how I hoped it would be and what I wanted to be molded into, so that I could have a healthy relationship. It is important that people find their own motivation to do things-because that makes one feel a part of the action, not just as a cog in the wheel.
I am in need of working on keeping my eyes on My Maker and Savior though not for the sake of the saving, but for me to go to Him to heal my every wound and mold me more into the woman of God He would have me to be. He is the potter, I am the clay. I cannot question Him on how He chooses to mold me, nor the method, but instead be thankful that He is capable to not only correct me, but to heal my disease completely and not just cover the symptoms to make me look like a "righteous" being.
I was just talking to a friend yesterday, that yes, life can sometimes be comfortable, but as followers of Christ, we are not to find ourselves lingering in comfort. And much like the chapter describes, we should be people of action, not passive in letting God do whatever He wants. He invited us to take part in His work; not because He needed us, but because He loved us enough to include us.
Yeah-That. I'm pretty stubborn here and I strive to live above reproach as taught in Nehemiah but to also live in a way which honors God. I have been a quitter early on, but I have grown so much in the area of not giving up; so much so it's probably to the point of annoyance for others. It should not be confused with nagging, but of stubborn obedience to what God wants in my life. Unfortunately, some are only motivated by their own feelings or pain.
Deliberate: let's define deliberate. adjective="done consciously and intentionally" verb="engage in long and careful consideration"
I like both of these definitions--together. I am not sure one can exist without the other. I wonder if one can be deliberately deliberate? Now that's a thought.
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Now, to be deliberate in my answers... and a simple reminder, for the sake of copyright, I will not post the questions, only my answers.
I think I live in this space. I am as stubborn as they come in some areas, particularly in not giving up. Even to my own detriment. I'm still hanging out on the steps, just to make it up the staircase when there is an escalator to take me to the same place, much faster, right next to it. Yes, I might have to rest (depending on the number of flights) but there is an accomplishment in pushing myself to reach the finish and giving it all I've got. I cannot live knowing I didn't give something my all--and it often exhausts others and I think that's why I find myself alone in many instances. What I have learned works best is setting proper expectations and boundaries up-front. That is not only intentional, but one would have to understand what they need for themselves, before attempting to ask anything of another. If expectations are unclear, it's important to clarify or even to confirm two are on the same page. Assumptions are rarely the same and certainly cause issues. No two people think alike nor are their experiences alike, so communication is literally key.
This question makes me thankful for the one interpersonal communication class I ever took. I gained so much about how to communicate effectively, I just need to implement it in my own relationships. If clear expectations are communicated and confirmed, then one can simply refer back to that point of definition and either re-clarify or re-confirm the understanding and path forward. If those things were not initially established, then a gentle approach to seek first an understanding, communicate personal needs and include biblical references is helpful. Especially if the goal is not to nag your partner, but to allow room for the Holy Spirit to convict. Boldly does not necessarily mean aggressively. It's more of not being passive or timid. Of course, I would think anytime a partner has a need to approach a topic of trouble or conflict, that they first bathe it in prayer, and search their own heart first, to make certain the motive is not self-sabotage so to speak. Setting a firm boundary always provides a point of reference for either partner to hold the other accountable. Accountability is not a bad thing, especially if you deeply care for one another and challenge each other to grow. Our refinement often comes through those we are closest to.
Ghosting. Cold shoulder. Shutting down. (Conflict) Avoidance. Distancing. All are harmful coping mechanisms often learned at an earlier time in life from past traumas or familial upbringings which may have once worked, carried into adulthood that are no longer effective. Doing nothing is still communicating something-and often very loudly communicating a desire to not want any association with that issue or person. I believe why so many shy away from confrontation is because of fear. Fear of failing, perhaps--or fear of seeing something about themselves they are not going to like. Within a healthy relationship, this is a true blessing--both can feel safe to voice their concerns or needs, have them heard, and agree to both work together on making things right or better for the other person. It is important, though that it is not a compromise of one over the other, but more a collaboration of efforts to attain mutual respect, love and even enjoyment with one another. We can learn to be better and marriage is as close as things get where our partner will see the most about us, even our ugly parts, but being vulnerable in a safe haven of a biblical marriage/relationship, we can open up and know that we will be protected, honored and loved even still. It may push our limits on forgiveness, grace and mercy at times, but nurturing a healthy relationship is so worth the work it takes for a long-term investment in the one you cherish and love.
I used to be a light-weight when it came to giving up on something. I learned that building mental stamina and pushing myself is a good way for me to grow, but it can also work against me. As I mentioned above, I'm often left hanging on long after everyone else has deserted the idea or plan before it ever gets accomplished, thus I find myself alone very often. I think that partly comes with being a visionary and seeing things afar off, following examples in the Bible in the Hall of Faith, who having not seen the Savior, still believed and it was accounted to them as righteousness. How did they hang on so long, without having assurance? I think it's from knowing God. Not just what He can do, but much like my pastor said this Sunday, being able to call Him My Shepherd. He is my personal God. Not a genie, but my Lord and Savior. My Protector, Provider, Healer, everything. I have learned to be more bold and confident in my spiritual gifts of discernment, encouragement and prophesy. (prophetic worship) I am always learning, and a lot of times (with discernment) I may be close, but not right on the money. I find very often, that I pick up on things much earlier than others, and then later, others begin to see what I'm talking about. Often, when I speak up about things I'm discerning or prophesying it is usually not well received. It almost never has been. Being around a body of believers which allow you to build your spiritual gifts and put them to work in a healthy environment where one can be corrected and trained rightly, is essential. Where one is allowed to make mistakes without being scorned, but to learn and be discipled, can we be the body Christ had in mind. And when you dwindle it down to a marriage, it is all the more important to have your spouse's support and that they believe you and believe in you and your spiritual gifts. We cannot be shy of correction or confession when we are wrong, but live in a wedge between grace and mercy to be imperfect, while confidently building our faith muscles to go boldly to others. We must keep in mind, these gifts are not of ourselves, but God given-we simply have the responsibility of stewardship to utilize them appropriately and lovingly.
I have a difficult time in showing courage when I am hurting most. I was not raised in the best environment to feel okay being vulnerable with others. I have learned to allow a certain few in my inner circle of trust (which takes a lot of time) where I know I can be safely vulnerable and the things I share with them are held in strictest of confidence. If I ever feel that the confidence is breeched, I will distance and/or cut people off because I cannot afford the expense of being hurt by someone who is reckless with my trust, love and vulnerability to be completely honest and open. I think it's very important for women (and anyone) to have both a Paul and a Timothy in their lives. An older and wiser woman who can pour into their life which has a healthy, strong marriage and a younger, possibly newly wed woman whom one can pour their knowledge and lessons into. A support system. Yes, others who are where you are may be beneficial and friendly confidants, but I think the temptation there might be to diss the spouse of the opposite gender than supporting each other to approach relationships biblically and healthfully. It is extremely important that the spouse honor the other when they are not around, or even in public. There is nothing that breaks trust faster. Do not lose the respect for one another, anywhere.
God knows me best, but in that, He shows me myself. When I am hurting, others know it. This is not good. I tend to process my emotions by letting them out. This is something I did growing up, probably because I learned it by my parents' examples. Hence, the unhealthy marriage I saw which didn't last. I didn't have an example of how marriage partners should communicate effectively and respectfully. I wasn't taught how to work through my emotions. I've since recognized this and while working on avenues which do not hurt others, I still need the most work in this area. Since my coping mechanism growing up was to not rock the boat, or to just remain quiet so no one reacts to me in a negative way, I remain quiet in most circumstances to protect myself. Rather than talking about it to someone I can trust, or someone who can help me, I internalize it, causing so many health problems. I do journal (clearly) but I don't always use healthy ways to release my feelings. I also think I am not good at communicating my own needs. I don't exactly know how to communicate my needs, but again, I'm learning. It takes practice. I have only recently begun to not be ashamed of speaking up for the things I need, but rather, setting appropriate boundaries and set clear expectations for others to know what I need, so they can not only respect it, but understand that they are not a problem, but its simply me sharing about myself and my needs. I would hope that they then also feel like they can speak about their needs and limitations, but I've learned more often than not, people don't really function in this manner. Most everyone has not been taught how to work through emotions or express things clearly. I believe it's because it requires one to not only know thyself, but to look at and examine the things which are within. Many folks don't like to do that. However, not doing so--will eventually leave one frustrated and alone, blaming everyone else for their inability to care for themselves (guilty as charged, here).
If you've made it this far, thanks for sticking with me. If you want, chime in, give me your opinion-perhaps you want to read the book as well. It's Gary Thomas' Loving Him Well: Practical Advice on Influencing Your Husband. Until next time, be blessed.
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