I’ve been sitting on this chapter for a while. God is doing a work in me to an extent I don’t even fully comprehend. There is still a lot that doesn’t make sense, just looking back on this year of my life. However, that doesn’t mean I am ungrateful just because I don’t understand it all; quite the opposite—I’m all the more thankful God does understand it all and things never rely on me.
The sermon series my church is being led through has been in the book of Ruth and how redemption is tied to Christ’s lineage. I was so excited for this series, because of how it points to the redeemer of all man-kind (not just Naomi). During the message this morning, I was reminded of how not just one impossible situation, but two impossible situations which occurred in history, God designed and re-shaped the human blood line that would lead to Jesus’ birth. Not just with the kinsman redeemer through Ruth, but Boaz was born of Rahab, known previously as a harlot who hid the disciples when they were in danger and she asked for God to remember her. Not only did God redeem her, but through her God ordained the kinsman redeemer for Ruth/Naomi. What I find so intriguing, refreshing and encouraging about God’s setup, was He took two impossible situations and crafted them to bring about the Savior of the world. How can we doubt how good God is, when He has fashioned all of this together, before the beginning of time? Not only did He provide the savior, but He provided it through impossible means, including the virgin birth through Mary. What magnificence!
I really think this reminder was deeply needed for me to allow me to confidently ask God for fresh eyes. I cannot look at things through my hurt, lest I become bitter like Naomi, eventually falling into hopelessness instead of looking toward my Savior through whom nothing is impossible! No one is perfect but we have a God who is and can make something out of nothing, bringing redemption to the world. We always have this hope and His faithfulness to rejoice in, no matter the season; but especially around Christmas!
So now for the questions of the chapter. There are more than the others, and I have yet to look at them or read them, so this is going to be a bit longer.
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Humility is not weak; it is one of the strongest postures and most courageous actions a husband can exemplify. When I see any believer approaching God in this manner, my heart swells with respect and I cannot help but look at my own self and my own posture to repent of when I am not setting the example of humility. While we are vulnerable in this posture, we must remember it is far from weak. I pray that this is one of the top characteristics that define my life and my husband’s life above all other things we could be. Yielding to the Holy Spirit and God’s will is the most beautiful thing anyone can do.
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Purposely setting my mind to think the best of my husband in any situation is showing him I am always on his side, not against him. Yes, we all make mistakes, but as a wife, I should be edifying my husband and not tearing him down in any way. He is imperfect. I am imperfect. Two imperfect people together, is still imperfect. Only one is perfect, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Therefore, by being different than how the world may think of or treat my husband, it is important for me to view my husband in a manner different than how the world comes at him. He is already working hard to be excellent at everything he does, then criticism is not what is needed, but encouragement and affirmation to help provide him strength in his inner man. While God is ultimately who he turns to in order to be filled, as a wife, it will be my duty (and delight) to not only notice, but to commend him on his efforts. By seeking out his actions worthy of praise and all the things he does that are lovely; whatever efforts he is putting towards anything—I want to believe is his best, always. I want to be a shelter for his heart to find what it needs to strengthen, encourage and continuously point him to God through my love for him. I believe that it will not only empower him, but require me to be in close relationship with my Heavenly Father to be this as well; thus growing me first, to pour into my husband as he needs. Another thing about purposely thinking of good things is when we use our minds to find what we are thankful for and grateful for, the part of our mind which is negative cannot operate at the same time. So in essence, we cannot do both. What a man (or woman) sows, is what we reap. I want to be sowing loving kindness in my relationship with my husband, not destruction and division. We are on the same team, not against one another.
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I honestly believe that by remembering the good parts of our shared life, we store up compounding appreciation for our partner. Thus, allowing us to experience a love toward them that can be so overwhelmingly wonderful we cannot help but to express it. Making room for him and his individual needs shows such a respect for him and allows him to be all he needs to be to feel his best. I don’t want to remember the bad days, though they will come, they do not need to define us. We all have bad days but by pushing through and learning from our mistakes will grow us closer as we work through the differences we are facing. Marriage is a learning process. When we stop learning about our significant other (and ourselves), we stop loving them. It may take on different paces at times, but keeping a continuous curiosity toward getting to know them, allows us to show a grace in times we may find life together challenging. I think one of the most important things for wives to remember is to go to God to fulfill all her needs. It may come through different avenues than her husband, because let's be honest—nothing is like getting together with your best girlfriend who just gets you! Doing life together does not mean excluding others. We each need our support but the deep needs each of us long for, must be fulfilled through God first and foremost. This tears down any unrealistic expectations of the other person, in trusting our needs to God and allowing Him to provide, whichever avenue He sees fit.
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Whatever wounds my husband will bring to our marriage, I would hope to be a healing balm. I want to allow the time he needs to open up about them at his own pace, to provide an understanding of his dealing with things within himself—because it is NOT my job to fix him. If I see him as needing “fixing” then I will not be expressing God’s characteristic unconditional love towards him. This also is a very demeaning attitude and prideful thinking that I know better than him about himself. We only know ourselves best (incompletely, I might add) and God knows us even better than we know ourselves. I will come with my own wounds which I will need to work on. I pray we have a bond of trust and security to be open about where we may be struggling to pray with one another as we go to God to address our individual wounds. He is our healer and comforter. While I would hope that God would allow me to help heal my husband’s wounds, as an imperfect wounded person myself—I cannot do it without God and making room for God to heal my own wounds so He can work through me. Forgiveness and grace which God has extended to me, is going to be key in me extending the same to my husband.
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I think one of the pitfalls of any relationship is lack of communication. Thinking that someone else automatically knows what you want or need or even think, is a very slippery slope as well as a very unrealistic expectation. For this reason, I have prayed a long time for effective and clear communication with my husband. Also, for times when it requires clarification, that it be done in a manner which is not convicting or defensive, but openly expressive of each of our needs—whether it be boundaries to respect our own needs, or to speak up for things of which we may need more support or reassurance. I have been working on this in my other familial relationships, as I was never one to really speak up, since I learned to not create waves or rock the boat in order to “keep the peace” in any situation, simply because I wanted to avoid the uncomfortable confrontation to resolve potential conflict. I have improved, but I need to be certain that I take the time I need for myself first, so that I am not coming in a mindset of defensiveness, but rather of understanding and expressiveness for my husband to better understand my needs and I, his. I pray even now that we may be open and willing to be good at communication with one another and be comfortable to quickly speak up in the moment and handle each other with such care that it grows our respect and love through being more open and honest. I want my husband to feel like he can be himself, not that he has to be what he thinks I want him to be. I want him to know that I love him as him—I mean that’s why we are attracted each other in the first place, right?! For who they are. I don’t want him to lose his individuality to please or even appease me. I want us to collaborate and not compromise each others needs so our marriage can be most fulfilling for the both of us.
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I was always what they call “boy crazy” growing up. I always had a “crush”. I didn’t think much of it since I had a cousin who literally put action to it, rather than daydreaming about the unrealistic romanticized love that this world portrays as possible and sustainable (all lies). What I did learn is how it was almost a generational curse from sin in my immediate family. This ideation was passed down by influence of what I was exposed to in my upbringing (fortunately, no physical abuse). By the grace of God and my will to be what my parents were not, I turned away from the same actions that my cousin and parents chose themselves. I know that while it is possible (and necessary) to have romantic moments, I’ve learned (thankfully) that love is no fairy tale where a dashing prince rescues his princess from the loneliest tower of seclusion. What nonsense! All that the secular culture communicates is a selfish love—what can you give me, not how can I show you love. It’s so one-sided; not only that, but the idea of love is not love either. We don’t innately understand or know love. Marriage is a covenant which requires a covenant with God first, in order to know love and experience His unconditional love so we can exemplify the same in our union with our spouse. I have been forgiven much for my ideation of love and God thankfully continues to work on me to bring down lies which I have believed from early on in my life. I can only hope to provide the same space and understanding for the struggles my husband may still be working through as well. Again, no one is perfect and we all have hangups; but they can be overcome in Christ alone.
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I have always had the resolve to never settle for less than God’s best. While I realize this currently has me in a situation where I am still single on the brink of a milestone in life, I do not regret waiting on God to provide. We know when something is missing or simply just isn’t completely right, and all the more when it is! I have a recent experience in my church search that made me so glad I listened to my gut and all that God was showing me. I have now found the place that feels so very much like home to me and it is so much more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. God literally has made me feel like I was made for this church, and I couldn’t be more thankful for all the ways He has fashioned me to fit right in with the mission, ministries and vision of the church. I know God will do the same in providing my husband. I trust Him with my whole heart. I have always asked married couples throughout my life, “how did you know they were who you were meant to be with?” and the answer they all provided was, “you just know”. I never used to like this answer, because I wanted a formula to understand or the secret to unlock the door in order to be married. I had made it an idol. Now, I couldn’t be more thankful for all those who were so completely honest about “just knowing” and showing their reliance on God for choosing their mate. I’ve learned to lay down my unrealistic expectations and romanticized ideations to really appreciate my individual journey of finding God as the first true love of my life. Nothing is more fulfilling than the relationship with my Savior and Lord Jesus Christ. I had to let go years ago of what I thought my life would look like when I was still in college at the age of 26 (talk about a non-traditional student!) However, God used that time to mold me into fitting right in with my church, so to see the full spectrum of His hand on my life over time, has been so meaningful and wonderful in so many ways, that I absolutely trust Him, no matter what it looks like, when it comes to Him providing a husband.
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Since I am now in the place I strongly believe I am supposed to be in fellowship with other believers, I know God is allowing me to develop healthy relationships with strong believers and other women: who are also in a waiting season, who have healthy marriages, who have an understanding of things I’m experiencing and working through. God led me to this church and I absolutely know that I am able to be all that He has designed me to be here. I know He is and will be bringing relationships with others which I can keep as I journey toward and through marriage and even all the seasons that come along the way during marriage. I know it’s coming and although I don’t know how or when, I look forward to the people God is bringing into my life in this season. It’s so very beautiful, even now.
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I pray that my husband and myself will go to God for affirmation and/or validation. Again, He knows each of us best, and while I think we would each hope that we can be the one to whom each of us can glean from, we are imperfect. Putting God first is an absolute must. No one else can provide what we need the way God can; by being filled with the love of God, we can then pour out that love to others and more specifically each other. I mentioned above that God is providing relationships while I am still single that I can grow in and be mentored by as I transition and prepare for having a spouse. I know these relationships are important to have older and wiser input for when challenges arise. By cultivating these connections and building them now, not only will we be able to pray for things to come, but we will be able to celebrate when God chooses to answer prayers. Having support from all walks of life and especially from the body of Christ, His church, we are able to rely on each other and carry one another’s burdens in ways that individually doing so may not always be possible. We are also not designed to do so. Having these Godly women and relationships in life brings a dynamic of experiencing God’s love through that many more people than just my future spouse. I pray that my spouse is already developing his own supportive relationships and men he can relay on and turn to for Godly wisdom, support and encouragement as needed in his singleness season. Knowing we are each individually seeking out God’s leadership from others who put God first I believe will allow us to be nurtured by those who are more like us and who can teach us in ways our spouse cannot. I do want to take the time to pray for the relationships which God does not want us to have or be building in this season. That is just as important, because God gives and God takes away. I pray that we each are obedient to God’s prompting of who He wants in our lives and who He wants to help guide and direct us and mentor us, so that we are brought into closer relationship with Him ultimately and also with each other.
God, whomever is in my life that you do not find fitting, I pray you will remove and provide your love in the void that is left by their absence. Whether it be a friendship, a mentor, a church body, an employer/boss, whatever the case may be, Lord, I pray we entrust every person in our individual lives to Your will and Your direction. Even if the friendship or relationship is one we very much cherish, may we ever be obedient to Your promptings of where You want us to be, no matter what or who You may be asking us to be removed from. I want to be all that you have designed me to be and I trust that You will continue completing this work in me until the day Christ comes again. I pray my husband will want to be all you have designed him to be and that he trusts You with continuing to complete this in him as well. You are all together lovely. You are altogether worthy. You are altogether wonderful to me, Lord. Thank you, in Jesus name for all the ways you already are and continue to be at work in my life and my husband’s life and all the more as you draw us near to each other. Hallelujah, Amen.
