Reluctantly Confident

I’m going to do my best to take the swirling thoughts in my head and put them into somewhat of an order of thinking, to make sense outside of my head. I think there is a lot here, and I may still be organizing some of the thoughts through different scripture, so thanks in advance for your patience. I can already tell that this is going to be a long entry, because the topic has been on my mind for a couple of days and of course, with the way God works, He just keeps giving me more to read and study. 

I had a scripture regarding Paul’s conversion that I came across, had some questions and began digging, just to satisfy my curious mind (I’m not sure what I would do without this information age—having it right at my fingertips, just a search away). I also switched up my book (again) and went back to The Pleasures of God  by John Piper. Probably because I keep experiencing God’s intimate love for me in the presence of little ladybugs through out my days. They have a significance to me, because there was a time one landed on my finger and it was like His little note of His presence and encouragement to guide me on the right path. So now, it’s a bit of a reminder that I’m exactly where He wants me to be. The chapter title in the book is long, but the subscript summed up the chapter title quite well, in asking, “Does God delight in thinking or not?”

Another question within the chapter was,”How does the Word of God portray the life of the mind?” And to be completely transparent, I did not get through the entirety of the chapter, because my thoughts were still stuck with Paul and his conversion. Now that you have a little of the context, I suppose I can begin throwing my thoughts out.

The list of scriptures that I will reference are below. I will try my best to connect my thoughts through how I read through the scriptures, but I may be all over the place. I’ve included a brief synopsis phrase of my thinking, partially to remind me and guide me through the path of my thoughts and also, so you can follow along as I try to make my thoughts make the most sense to me, anyways. Feel free to read ahead of time/along, because some of the references are a bit lengthy and I won’t be including the entirety of them here. (All from NASB)

1. Galatians 1:11-24 (Paul’s defense of his ministry)
2. Luke 10:17-24 (Blessed are those who see)
3. 1 Corinthians 1:17-31 (“not in cleverness of speech”)
4. Matthew 24:15-28 (perilous times-nature testifies)
5. 2 Peter 3:3-8 (last days)
6. Ezekiel 33:7-9 (Responsibility of warning/watchmen)
7. Daniel 10:1-20 (2-9 fasting/Vision 10-21 strength/comfort provided)
8. Daniel 11:32b-33a, 12:8-10 (what’s to come)
9. Exodus 3:1-4:13 (Moses’ mission + OT/NT Parallel with Paul’s mission)
10. Ephesians 6:10 (Strength in the Lord)

I began reading the first passage and thought (vs. 11, 12) why in the world is Paul having to defend his own conversion? Then, (vs. 16, 17) we have a repetition of revelation from God which made me question, why did Paul go to Arabia instead of going to be with the apostles? If he had a true conversion, why would Paul have been moved to go to a place where the apostles were absent? I noted the importance of the results of his actions being explained: “And they were glorifying God because of me." (vs. 24).

Paul was using his testimony of his past (vs. 13-15) to speak to the Galatians. He didn’t minimize his wrong doings, but instead emphasized his wrong actions to further promote his conversion. Why is this important, then? I then thought, “Why would God have taken the strongest persecutor of believers, to then preach the exact message for which he used to persecute such people?”

Yes, Paul essentially tells us so that others will glorify God, but I don’t think this is all there is to it. Clearly, what Paul was trying to promote was that because of who He used to be, there is no other way that his salvation could have been attained other than the revelation through God’s grace to him. Essentially, steering away from a works-based salvation, to a faith-based redemption.

If this was something that was revealed to Paul, then (much like Piper uses references from Luke 10) there is a mystery that needs revealing. God has (vs. 21) "hidden these things from the wise and have revealed them to infants.” He also admonishes his disciples by stating (vs. 23b, 24) “Blessed are the eyes which see the things you see, for I say to you, that many prophets and kings wished to see the things which you see, and did not see them, and to hear the things which you hear, and did not hear them.”

Now, as believers, we know the mystery of which Paul is talking about in 1 Corinthians 1:17, “For Christ did not send me to baptize, but to preach the gospel, not in cleverness of speech so that the cross of Christ would not be made void.” (Note: I bolded the text so I remember to refer back to it from later up-coming thoughts). It’s the gospel of Christ revealed to us which he explained when he defended his mission to the Galatians. 

Although the scripture reference in Matthew is not exactly on point with what the rest is saying, what I gained from this is not only has the mystery of God’s salvation been revealed to us through Christ’s suffering on the cross (vs. 25) but we have assurance in his returning for the elect: “For just as the lightning comes from the east and flashes even to the west, so will the coming of the Son of Man be. Wherever the corps is, there the vultures will gather. 

Sounds horrible, you say—think with me on it a minute; weather is constantly changing and storms are always brewing, but we all can see lightning from miles away. Also, what do vultures do? They fly high above their target, summoning others to gather and feast. We can see these things even today—it hasn’t changed and we all know what these things are when they occur. These are examples of the certainty of Christs return. 

We also know we can be certain through what is also mentioned in 2 Peter 3:3-8. He tells us that “all continues just as it was from the beginning of creation.” God, by His word formed the earth from and out of water to be destroyed with water (He signified it would not happen that way again, with His rainbow) and by His word, it’s currently being reserved for fire; for the day of judgement and destruction of ungodly men (paraphrased). 

Since we not only know about the gospel and we have the assurance, we also have a responsibility described in Ezekiel 33:7-9. If we have this responsibility, then how to we warn others, or share of the outcomes? In Daniel, we have the example. In His humility, which he spoke of multiple times in asking how such a servant (himself) talk with the being in the vision? It’s not so much about the vision, but the approach of receiving that stood out to me. Daniel had his questions and while it was not all revealed to him, in his humility, he received what was revealed to him. He also asked for strength, as he did not have the ability himself. The strength came from an outside source. Daniel was such a great example of our need for humility to receive Christ and all that He has for us, and that we will be strengthened in our time of need. 

Alright, so to now really tie this back to the original passage of Paul’s defense of his ministry, I think about parallels in the Bible between the OT and the NT. The OT is everything under the law, while the NT is the fulfillment of the law. I turned to Exodus and happened upon an old testament figure who happened to be unwilling to speak because he was not an eloquent speaker. However, Paul said he spoke not with eloquent words or speech, so that the cross would not be counted void, but spoke plainly about the gospel. I also see in Ephesians 6:10 “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might.”

How often do we miss the opportunity God has for us because we do not trust in the strength of the Lord? We shouldn’t have reluctant confidence by looking at ourselves and our inabilities, but rather rely on the God of the universe who not only created it, He sustains it from the beginning of time. 

So my conclusion: “God’s wisdom is designed that humans would not know God through their wisdom.” (Pleasures of God p. 277). We don’t have any reason to boast in anything/anyone other than God himself. What does this have to do with our thinking? I believe it’s in giving up our thinking, or transforming the way we think by humbling ourselves to receive God’s wisdom and strength, just as Paul testifies and Daniel exemplifies. Let’s not pull a Moses and allow someone else to speak for us, because if we do not speak or praise God with confidence in His might and strength to be all that He says He is and do all He says He will do, then the rocks surely will cry out in our place. 

Chapter 4: Accepting a Man Where He Is

 Subtitle: Understanding a Man’s Deepest Thirst

First off, the title is good, but I found this chapter convicting. The Good Lord showed me areas where I can become strong and what I need to work on most by my reading this chapter. I asked forgiveness for where my heart has not aligned to the wonderful Godly example of a woman in this chapter. I will also pull out a few items which stood out to me. 

To give a little context, the example of Elijah providing for the widow is given. But the takeaway, was Elijah’s miraculous provision for this woman became common place, which is in 1 Kings. 

“What once seemed like an extraordinary occurrence—flour and oil that never ran out—soon became a common blessing, so expected that it ceased to be noticed, much less appreciated. After a week or so, it was just the way things were.”

“The little things we allow to annoy us seem trivial compared to the loss of blessings once taken for granted”

“To move a man, you must learn to appreciate him for who he is, which comes wrapped up in all that he is not.”

“[These] vows tell us that marriage is about accepting the fact that all of us are weak. Marriage is a commitment to accept our spouse’s fallibilities as well as their strengths”

“God can do divine things through our weaknesses. Because He is a musician, he can play exquisitely beautiful music through dented instruments. Made in His image, that becomes our goal in marriage, too; bringing the best music out of our “dented” spouse.”

“Your job as a wife is to fight to stay sensitive to your husband’s strengths.”

“It does something to a man’s heart when his wife and kids look happy to see him.”

“Men who merely cope never change, they just pass time. They’re medicating the pain rather than attacking the disease.”

“Affirmation is more than a man’s desire—much more. Acceptance and encouragement are biblical requirements.”

“…chastened and softened. That’s the power women have—one magnanimous gesture and one aptly spoken phrase can work wonders.”

“Can you see the good in your husband, even when he’s at his worst? Can you pause long enough to see the hurt behind the heat, and call him to his best?”

This is a lot to digest, and it’s not even everything that stood out to me. The author mentioned that men have a keen ability to pick up on a woman’s disappointment in them. He said men often respond with the thought, “If I can’t please her by trying my hardest then why should I try at all?”  While he doesn’t encourage that response, I must say that a woman has the same sense about a man when all he does is try to say things to “appease” her. Much the same way, I think it’s more important to realize that if our actions are not genuine, our partner will know. I would say, though if a man is feeling this way, then communication has not been made a priority. He has not learned about his wife to know what it is she needs. He should speak up and say, how can I best show my love for you, since this was my intent, but it was received differently? In this, she may be able to recognize his gestures and pick up on ways he is showing her his love as well. It is not that only one is responsible. Both have to seek to know and understand what makes their partner tick and thrive in the marriage.

I strongly desire a man who can lead the household in faith; take initiative to do things first. Yes, I am a strong woman, and a faithful follower of Christ, but the biblical example is that He made Adam first—then Eve. Just as Christ is the head of the church, the man should be the leader of a household. Now, I do not mean in a way that makes the wife less-than or demeans her in any way. They are of equal value, but the actions should be initiated by a man. When a man allows a woman to take the lead, it is no longer a biblical example of a marriage. Yes, one may be stronger than another, whether in faith or anything else; but to lead him, is incorrect and takes away from his biblical calling as a husband and man. Rather, a wife should encourage him to take the lead, not do it instead. This is why the fall of all mankind occurred in the first place, in Genesis—because the woman took the lead, and the man went along with it. I pray I allow my husband to feel that he has the ability to step up in this way, not being fearful of failure or doing something incorrectly, but that I will see his efforts and encourage them more. This is where the sensitivity of a woman can become her true strength—by picking up on these moments and positively reinforcing him whenever he takes the lead.

I know words of affirmation are important, but I didn’t realize that the consensus is true with nearly all men. In some form or fashion, a survey noted that of those that took the survey, all men answered with some type of affirmation to be the top quality needed from their spouse. I think by being aware of this, women can very clearly use words of affirmation to keep blessings and the strengths of their husband from becoming common place actions. And also knowing this, it’s important to only do this for your own spouse. If it isn’t coming from his woman, it will come from another—and that is the slippery slope when a marriage may be going through tough times. 

I probably should have waited for the questions, but if I’m repeating anything, perhaps I should take note of how important it must be to me.

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These questions are specific to a husband, so again—in preparation for my future spouse, I will answer how it currently pertains to me: 

            Strong, genuine faith in God, keen sense of humor/playfulness/love of laughter, and ambition. While these three are the most important to me, of course, attractiveness and intelligence cannot be completely off the table. 

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Challenging question—I don’t even want to think about this scenario, but I would have to say, I would miss his voice, ability to provide and love on family and the quirks about him that I come to know and love. There is such a level of comfort that a man’s voice can bring—when he is your man. I had a grandfather who couldn’t hear well near the end of his life, but he would watch our faces and would beam with joy when he saw us laughing.  It made me realize that the sound of our loved ones’ voices have such an impact on our souls that we may not understand until we either can’t hear them or they are gone. There is nothing I understand more in my life, than the need to provide financially for a household. I have been on my own for many years now, and it is quite a burden (while I’m completely capable) to have to do everything. Not having help taking out the trash, or to hang a ceiling fan, or fix the toilet… I have learned how to do many things, but to have everything on my shoulders is a lot of weight and I don’t think very many people realize that. Still, I won’t give in to temptation just to have someone around who can help carry the financial, or even physical burdens life brings. Since I have no children, and I am not even sure I would be a very good parent, I hope the man I marry has a strong sense of being a father. Being confident around kids, which I am not. I know I have a motherly instinct which does and can kick in, but not having really put that into practice, I would have to lean on a man who has that confidence and/or some experience; it is not one of my strengths. Also, since my father was not there for me as I needed, I would hope to have a man that would really care about his children and be emotionally available to them. Not only as a reflection of our Heavenly Father’s love, but as a whole family unit, rather than a single parent at any time, because having both parents in your life, really makes a difference. There has always been a prayer in my journals, that my spouse would have to have at least one unusual trait so that I could recognize him. I wasn’t specific about what, but I know it would be a rarity that was unique to him. There is just something I find special about having a true “one-of-a-kind” spouse, so to speak. 

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James 3:2: For we all stumble in many ways. If anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to reign in the whole body as well.

I think this is a great point to remember in any relationship, but especially in a marriage. Having unrealistic expectations of our spouse, is simply not biblical. Nor is it possible to attain perfection. That’s what makes it unrealistic. I’m reminded of lyrics in the song, “The Father’s House” where it says, "You never wanted perfect, you just wanted my heart…” Oh how true this is in a marriage. If we truly love our partner, then we do not ever expect perfection. However, we know that our imperfections also do not keep us from being loved. We can really only understand that from the love of our Heavenly Father first. Oh, if we truly had the fire to love our spouse with the intent of winning their heart and seeing their heart, rather than trying to be perfect, how much more fulfilling we would find our marriage being. Keep the focus of the other person’s heart at the center at all times, and you will not want to cause any hurt or pain. This is how we can reflect the heart of the Father. 

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I have prayed as a young teenager that I would always lovingly welcome my husband home. I think because I did not see this in my household, it was one of those things I picked up on and prayed would be different in my life. While I didn’t have the example, it doesn’t mean that God cannot teach me by His love how to be loving and accepting and genuinely caring towards my spouse. Plus, as long as I’ve been waiting, I’m not sure how I wouldn’t joyfully greet him! I know after a challenging day at work, I do need some time to transition from the environment to home, to be able to really relax, but I remember a job I had where I could do nothing but complain about it. It took me a long time to realize that my job was really negatively impacting all areas of my life, so I quit. While I’m thankful this is not the case for me now, I better understand the importance of my personal needs to be all that I can be to those in my home and ultimately my life. I think I would probably inquire of my husband to ask what makes him feel most loved and try to implement that into either a daily action, or greeting upon his returning home. Nothing is more important (especially with my parents’ divorce) that he chooses to come home to cherish me every day, and that will make me want to cherish him all the more in return.

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The look I have for my husband will be unmistakable and only for him. When someone waits  a lifetime for the love of their life, nothing will be able to deter the enjoyment! Yes, there will be ups and downs and times where we may not get along or even like each other in the moment, but I never want to become so calloused that I do not look at him like I cherish him. Hate is not a word or action I allow in my life or my vocabulary—for anyone. It is my goal to not allow my heart to be bitter, vengeful or even calloused to others for any reason. Yes, I have been deeply hurt by so many in my life, but I just look to the Father, knowing that every pain and heartache I endure makes me all the more like him, molding me to be more compassionate and treat others with His love, rather than the ways I have been treated so often. Every time I experience pain from others, (most often emotional) I become so stubborn and determined to not be like that in any way. People don’t know this about me, and I’m not the best at it by any means, but I am so serious about this because there is already too much hate and division in this world to not show the love of my Heavenly Father. 

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Not being married and never having dated I do not have a specific man that I can say where they are most likely to fail in character. However, from the experiences in my life of my parents’ divorce, to many friendships and unhealthy relationships I’ve witnessed in my life, I must say that I have a list of traits that I cannot stand:

Dishonesty, not being genuine, lack of ambition (complacency), lack of communication/inability to have a discussion (not an argument), unwillingness to collaborate, ignoring me/having to repeat myself, not looking at me when speaking or spoken to, publicly disrespecting me, saying things to appease me, not respecting my needs/boundaries. I may have more, but without a significant other experience in my life, I really don’t know of many others right now. These are all I have experienced from friends, family or relatives that I KNOW do not bode well in any circumstances and makes me quite short or distant when they happen. 

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Lord, thank you for fearfully and wonderfully making me and my future spouse. I pray that you will not allow me to become the things I have listed above—since I cannot ask anything of someone I am not willing to be myself, I pray you continue to mold me into the Proverbs 31 woman I have always strived to be. I pray you continue teaching me to have a heart of gratitude, thankfulness and compassion towards all. As painful and challenging as it can be sometimes to always reflect you (since all fall short of the glory of God) I would rather reflect your character than anything else in my life. Forgive me where I have not. I pray you allow me the capacity to love my husband the way only you can teach me to love him, that he would feel appreciated, cared for, cherished, affirmed, loved and wanted. I ask that you bless us with communication, that we develop a language all our own, which helps us understand there is no one else besides the other. I pray for a love so deep that it can only come from you—a confidence of your promise, that what you have brought together no man can separate. I pray you allow me to see the strengths of my husband to which I can speak encouragement and affirmation into his soul. I pray you give me the wisdom to know when he is about to engage in an action unbefitting of your character to lovingly correct yet also affirm his positive character traits in that moment of need. I pray you allow me to bring out the best in my husband, that you show me the ways he needs my love—so I can be an example of your sacrificial love to me (and him), to the best of my ability.  I ask for the wisdom I need to love, accept and honor my imperfect husband, just as he is. Help me to never take him for granted, or to allow extraordinary occurrences become only common blessings; help me not to expect them, but forever be thankful for even the little things in life—whether it’s holding a door, taking out the trash, thinking of me and grabbing me coffee at a gas station, or even pumping the gas to an even dollar, since I can never seem to do it myself. Help me to see the good in my husband always, but especially when he is at his worst. Help me to pause long enough to recognize the hurt behind the heat and call him to his best (and that he does the same for me). May we always put You first before the other, seeking you and your direction and love, so that our cup may overflow into our lives, and specifically to one another. Thank you for loving  me enough to make me who you have made me and for making my future husband, who he is so that we can show your light and life to the world through the wonderful example of a biblical marriage when that time comes. I ask all in Jesus’ mighty and precious name. Amen.

Chapter 3: The Beauty of God's Strength In A Woman

I know, my post titles are so original, right? (haha) 

After an unexpected time away where I was essentially forced to be "off grid" and all there was to do was reading and sleeping, I finally felt like reading (and writing) again. I can't exactly describe the level of exhaustion the last 2-3 months of my life has brought me, nor do I even think I want it all to really make sense. So now, I present some of my thoughts on Chapter 3.

There were some pretty long examples in this chapter and I decided I'm going to pull a few things out which I found meaningful in some way. 

-It's one thing for a wife to nag her husband; it's entirely more effective when God convicts a husband.

-Instead of obsessing over the symptom, ask God to heal the disease.

-When you make a promise to someone, regardless of your motive behind the promise, It's still a promise.You have to own it.

-The "safe" path is sometimes a slow drift toward destruction.

-The most damaging thing you can do in an unhealthy relationship is nothing.

-People give up on their marriages, give up on prayer, give up on their churches, give up on their kids and eventually give up on themselves. They say, "It's no use" and start to sulk instead of painstakingly remaking their marriage. Simply because their first (or even tenth) attempt failed.

-We must make deliberate choices.

-We must be active and confront the weaknesses we see in ourselves and in each other.

Allow me to speak first to why these stood out to me, then I will get to the questions posed at the end of the chapter. 

    I have always prayed that I would not be a wife of nagging, but of support and encouragement to the man I marry. I saw things in my parents marriage that I didn't want for my own, so I began praying even then, that it would be different and specific to how I hoped it would be and what I wanted to be molded into, so that I could have a healthy relationship. It is important that people find their own motivation to do things-because that makes one feel a part of the action, not just as a cog in the wheel. 

I am in need of working on keeping my eyes on My Maker and Savior though not for the sake of the saving, but for me to go to Him to heal my every wound and mold me more into the woman of God He would have me to be. He is the potter, I am the clay. I cannot question Him on how He chooses to mold me, nor the method, but instead be thankful that He is capable to not only correct me, but to heal my disease completely and not just cover the symptoms to make me look like a "righteous" being. 

I was just talking to a friend yesterday, that yes, life can sometimes be comfortable, but as followers of Christ, we are not to find ourselves lingering in comfort. And much like the chapter describes, we should be people of action, not passive in letting God do whatever He wants. He invited us to take part in His work; not because He needed us, but because He loved us enough to include us.

Yeah-That. I'm pretty stubborn here and I strive to live above reproach as taught in Nehemiah but to also live in a way which honors God. I have been a quitter early on, but I have grown so much in the area of not giving up; so much so it's probably to the point of annoyance for others. It should not be confused with nagging, but of stubborn obedience to what God wants in my life. Unfortunately, some are only motivated by their own feelings or pain. 

Deliberate: let's define deliberate. adjective="done consciously and intentionally" verb="engage in long and careful consideration"

I like both of these definitions--together. I am not sure one can exist without the other. I wonder if one can be deliberately deliberate? Now that's a thought. 

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Now, to be deliberate in my answers... and a simple reminder, for the sake of copyright, I will not post the questions, only my answers.

I think I live in this space. I am as stubborn as they come in some areas, particularly in not giving up. Even to my own detriment. I'm still hanging out on the steps, just to make it up the staircase when there is an escalator to take me to the same place, much faster, right next to it. Yes, I might have to rest (depending on the number of flights) but there is an accomplishment in pushing myself to reach the finish and giving it all I've got. I cannot live knowing I didn't give something my all--and it often exhausts others and I think that's why I find myself alone in many instances. What I have learned works best is setting proper expectations and boundaries up-front. That is not only intentional, but one would have to understand what they need for themselves, before attempting to ask anything of another. If expectations are unclear, it's important to clarify or even to confirm two are on the same page. Assumptions are rarely the same and certainly cause issues. No two people think alike nor are their experiences alike, so communication is literally key.

    

This question makes me thankful for the one interpersonal communication class I ever took. I gained so much about how to communicate effectively, I just need to implement it in my own relationships. If clear expectations are communicated and confirmed, then one can simply refer back to that point of definition and either re-clarify or re-confirm the understanding and path forward. If those things were not initially established, then a gentle approach to seek first an understanding, communicate personal needs and include biblical references is helpful. Especially if the goal is not to nag your partner, but to allow room for the Holy Spirit to convict. Boldly does not necessarily mean aggressively. It's more of not being passive or timid. Of course, I would think anytime a partner has a need to approach a topic of trouble or conflict, that they first bathe it in prayer, and search their own heart first, to make certain the motive is not self-sabotage so to speak. Setting a firm boundary always provides a point of reference for either partner to hold the other accountable. Accountability is not a bad thing, especially if you deeply care for one another and challenge each other to grow. Our refinement often comes through those we are closest to.

Ghosting. Cold shoulder. Shutting down. (Conflict) Avoidance. Distancing. All are harmful coping mechanisms often learned at an earlier time in life from past traumas or familial upbringings which may have once worked, carried into adulthood that are no longer effective. Doing nothing is still communicating something-and often very loudly communicating a desire to not want any association with that issue or person. I believe why so many shy away from confrontation is because of fear. Fear of failing, perhaps--or fear of seeing something about themselves they are not going to like. Within a healthy relationship, this is a true blessing--both can feel safe to voice their concerns or needs, have them heard, and agree to both work together on making things right or better for the other person. It is important, though that it is not a compromise of one over the other, but more a collaboration of efforts to attain mutual respect, love and even enjoyment with one another. We can learn to be better and marriage is as close as things get where our partner will see the most about us, even our ugly parts, but being vulnerable in a safe haven of a biblical marriage/relationship, we can open up and know that we will be protected, honored and loved even still. It may push our limits on forgiveness, grace and mercy at times, but nurturing a healthy relationship is so worth the work it takes for a long-term investment in the one you cherish and love.

I used to be a light-weight when it came to giving up on something. I learned that building mental stamina and pushing myself is a good way for me to grow, but it can also work against me. As I mentioned above, I'm often left hanging on long after everyone else has deserted the idea or plan before it ever gets accomplished, thus I find myself alone very often. I think that partly comes with being a visionary and seeing things afar off, following examples in the Bible in the Hall of Faith, who having not seen the Savior, still believed and it was accounted to them as righteousness. How did they hang on so long, without having assurance? I think it's from knowing God. Not just what He can do, but much like my pastor said this Sunday, being able to call Him My Shepherd. He is my personal God. Not a genie, but my Lord and Savior. My Protector, Provider, Healer, everything. I have learned to be more bold and confident in my spiritual gifts of discernment, encouragement and prophesy. (prophetic worship) I am always learning, and a lot of times (with discernment) I may be close, but not right on the money. I find very often, that I pick up on things much earlier than others, and then later, others begin to see what I'm talking about. Often, when I speak up about things I'm discerning or prophesying it is usually not well received. It almost never has been. Being around a body of believers which allow you to build your spiritual gifts and put them to work in a healthy environment where one can be corrected and trained rightly, is essential. Where one is allowed to make mistakes without being scorned, but to learn and be discipled,  can we be the body Christ had in mind. And when you dwindle it down to a marriage, it is all the more important to have your spouse's support and that they believe you and believe in you and your spiritual gifts. We cannot be shy of correction or confession when we are wrong, but live in a wedge between grace and mercy to be imperfect, while confidently building our faith muscles to go boldly to others. We must keep in mind, these gifts are not of ourselves, but God given-we simply have the responsibility of stewardship to utilize them appropriately and lovingly. 

I have a difficult time in showing courage when I am hurting most. I was not raised in the best environment to feel okay being vulnerable with others. I have learned to allow a certain few in my inner circle of trust (which takes a lot of time) where I know I can be safely vulnerable and the things I share with them are held in strictest of confidence. If I ever feel that the confidence is breeched, I will distance and/or cut people off because I cannot afford the expense of being hurt by someone who is reckless with my trust, love and vulnerability to be completely honest and open. I think it's very important for women (and anyone) to have both a Paul and a Timothy in their lives. An older and wiser woman who can pour into their life which has a healthy, strong marriage and a younger, possibly newly wed woman whom one can pour their knowledge and lessons into. A support system. Yes, others who are where you are may be beneficial and friendly confidants, but I think the temptation there might be to diss the spouse of the opposite gender than supporting each other to approach relationships biblically and healthfully. It is extremely important that the spouse honor the other when they are not around, or even in public. There is nothing that breaks trust faster. Do not lose the respect for one another, anywhere. 

 

God knows me best, but in that, He shows me myself. When I am hurting, others know it. This is not good. I tend to process my emotions by letting them out. This is something I did growing up, probably because I learned it by my parents' examples. Hence, the unhealthy marriage I saw which didn't last. I didn't have an example of how marriage partners should communicate effectively and respectfully. I wasn't taught how to work through my emotions. I've since recognized this and while working on avenues which do not hurt others, I still need the most work in this area. Since my coping mechanism growing up was to not rock the boat, or to just remain quiet so no one reacts to me in a negative way, I remain quiet in most circumstances to protect myself. Rather than talking about it to someone I can trust, or someone who can help me, I internalize it, causing so many health problems. I do journal (clearly) but I don't always use healthy ways to release my feelings. I also think I am not good at communicating my own needs. I don't exactly know how to communicate my needs, but again, I'm learning. It takes practice. I have only recently begun to not be ashamed of speaking up for the things I need, but rather, setting appropriate boundaries and set clear expectations for others to know what I need, so they can not only respect it, but understand that they are not a problem, but its simply me sharing about myself and my needs. I would hope that they then also feel like they can speak about their needs and limitations, but I've learned more often than not, people don't really function in this manner. Most everyone has not been taught how to work through emotions or express things clearly. I believe it's because it requires one to not only know thyself, but to look at and examine the things which are within. Many folks don't like to do that. However, not doing so--will eventually leave one frustrated and alone, blaming everyone else for their inability to care for themselves (guilty as charged, here).

If you've made it this far, thanks for sticking with me. If you want, chime in, give me your opinion-perhaps you want to read the book as well. It's Gary Thomas' Loving Him Well: Practical Advice on Influencing Your Husband.  Until next time, be blessed.