The Cure for Anxiety

Recently, I’ve been putting my cooking classes to the test. This makes the second batch of caramel candies I’m attempting in a week. The first portion were bite-sized and these are about the size of a square quarter (1” x 1” approx.). While I was melting the chocolate, I simply used chocolate chips instead of bakers chocolate (mistake #1) and it was thick. Then I was like, well how the heck do I thin it out? In class, we learned that water is chocolates enemy, so I can’t add water. It seemed to already have so much thickness I thought it was from the fat content, so adding butter or oil was out.  Thankfully, I still had some heavy cream around and decided to add it to thin it, just trying to figure something out while it’s on the stove melting/heating and a process you can’t stop watching or walk away from. (And no, you shouldn’t walk away from anything on the stove). 

After I seeded it to cool it down, I decide it was “good enough” and would give it a rest to see if the temper is where it needs to be… and allow mine to get where it needs to be as well. Making chocolates is not stressful, it’s just a bit of problem solving in the moment I found myself having to contemplate quickly. So as I walk out of my kitchen to take a short break, I’m looking out the open window and see a little family of geese all in a row, walking down the middle of the street. Mama bird, then six little waddlers and the caboose Papa Bird keeping everyone on pace. It was so precious in the moment, it simply melted my heart to see them. 

This goes along with my latest learnings of God’s pleasures; how I don’t see much of what He has created to bring Himself glory. And it’s these little moments like this that remind me He sees everything. He cares about everything. He is taking care of EVERYTHING. 

I was reminded of a verse in Matthew chapter 6, beginning with verse 25 ending with verse 34 (ESV):
[emphasis mine]

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]? 

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.  29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?  31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

My morning began by hearing of a dear friend of mine who is in the hospital, and they are unsure exactly what is going on. She was having seizures, and they cannot control them. She is also diabetic. She is currently fully sedated with her family surrounded. I would be lying if I didn’t say it’s concerned me and has sort of kept me on edge a bit today, however, I know that God is in control of everything. He not only sees it all, but He takes care of it all. He plans things perfectly, putting people in our paths which can speak to us in ways He has prepared well in advance. He allows us to connect with people and make friends, leads us along paths to grow us and teach us; all the while, making sure the universe stays in perfect sync; governing the night and day and everything in between. He is very aware of it all. Although I may question Him on somethings, I know He knows my heart and wants good for me and all who belong to Him. I must trust Him completely, always.

Leaving things in His hands is difficult for me. I want to, and I do—I simply struggle with trying to pick things back up. I know God is near; He always seems to be. Even when I couldn’t sense Him through a recent challenging period of my life I could clearly see Him at work in me and through me (only to later affirm what He was, indeed, teaching me about Him and myself). God has provided me with a confidence—not in me, but in HIM ALONE.

I had a gathering this evening of meeting new people and often, I found myself withdrawing to just be in awe of nature; of the flowers that God so intricately designed on the hydrangea bushes nearby, and the fluffy cloud formations in the beautiful spring sky this evening. The light breeze, flowing through the trees and bushes, allowing them to sing out in praise for God’s glory was more of what I wanted to take in than the event itself. 

The world around us is so beautiful, so ornately designed and we as humans are so caught up in our daily endeavors that we often fail to stop and appreciate the beauty all around us. I’m so very thankful for the moments God provides me to appreciate the family of geese and the gradient colors of the flowers in bloom. I find myself ever longing to be sitting at his feet, learning from Him, listening to Him, being completely immersed in his presence. All that we see is merely a reflection of Him. He is truly AWE-some. 

 
As I go,  (because I have candies to finish) I leave with Phil 4:8 (ESV): 

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 

What joy there is in focusing on God and the beauty of His creations. 

All glory and honor and praise is due Him. Thank you, God, that I can trust You and leave anything and everything in your most capable hands. 

Once a Dreamer, Always a Dreamer

 I have had an emotionally challenging weekend this weekend, but the good thing is when that occurs, I always get caught up on my house chores. I keep myself busy and distracted most of the time, but I think I did a little bit of everything; self manicure, baking from scratch, all my laundry, reading a book, journaling--the whole gamut. Amongst those things I did, was deliberately talking to God about what He wants for me. I prefer consulting Him regarding the choices I make in life and lately, I haven't been making much of anything. I've reached a place of feeling content most days and at peace, but other days I am still trying to get past the hurts of life. Instead of the gamut of house chores, I find myself going through the complete list of emotions, only to conclude I'm in the same place I was 3-4 years ago, with a tad bit of added wisdom. I almost feel like I would be better off without these past few years, however, I am so very thankful for what God taught me about Himself during this time and who I've become in spite of them. 

I mentioned reading. This is something I am purposefully making time for in my life to the point of even including it on my development plan at work. I need to take in information all the time to feel fulfilled; always learning and always progressing or developing beyond who I am right now. It's something I can do at all times, anytime--something I can do to better myself. What I read this weekend was an older publish of John Piper, "The Pleasures of God." A lot of it is so fundamental yet profoundly stated to get the mind working in ways I may not always think. I am going to share a few of the short but impactful quotes from the latest chapter: The Pleasures of God in His Creation.

"The universe is a masterpiece of wisdom and order."

"We should pray for the eyes of children again, when they saw everything for the first time." 

"There will be no exhausting the understanding of God. We will be making new discoveries for all eternity."

"Creation praises God by simply being what it was created to be in all its incredible variety...It was created for the enjoyment of God."

I literally took this last phrase and spoke it to myself--as crazy as that sounds (I might just be gone off my rocker already) it was so soothing. Hollie, you praise God by simply being what you were created to be in all of your incredible variety. You were created for the enjoyment of God." 

Talk about affirmations, BRO--I should be speaking this over myself every single day multiple times a day. I need to remind myself why I was so basically created. When or if I question my purpose, it reminds me that of anything I can be in this world, I should be myself; just the way God created me to be. Uniquely me. Just as snowflakes have none other like itself, there is no one who is like me created to do what God has created me to do. Only I can fulfill the specific purpose God has for me (with his strength and guidance, of course)! 

Again, this isn't new to me; rather, its profound in this season of my life. I recently went on a "walk" to experience God in a new way. I cannot forget that I did so. Also during this event, on the last evening, my heart was hurting so much. Although I was surrounded by fellow believers and love abounding all around, I felt so very alone. God impressed upon my heart that I was entering a very lonely season--that I would not have my family around me as a support system, or even anyone that knew me well. I understood that He would be leading me in a direction that was lonely in the earthly sense, but so fulfilling in the spiritual sense. He would be with me all the way. My heart was breaking then. My heart is breaking now--aching for the acceptance and familiarity of those I know, love and cherish. But this leg of my journey is not for that. It truly is bitter sweet to leave behind the comfort of friends and foundational support venturing out on a road that only God knows what is ahead. 

I am not surprised by where God is calling me. I have an inexplicable peace about the steps I am taking, as lonely and intimidating they may be at times. I see His hand all around me and it's so beautiful. I mean, having a little inchworm at the mailbox to make my heart smile--makes me feel so seen and loved and cared about in a way that no one on this earth can. Only God can love me and know me so intimately--know everything about my day and that I was just reading about the parts of creation many human eyes never see or appreciate, but they were created for God to enjoy...and He gave me a glimpse.  Oh what intimate love that is. 

I began asking God for more. I want His direction, I want to please Him. I want to bring Him the most glory I possibly can--so I asked Him, if in all of my variety I praise you, then what about me is it that you want me to know? What about me is unique to me? What do you have for me and who do you want me to become? 

I looked to His word for this guidance. As always, I know where to find Him :) 

I began reading. 2 Corinthians 5:17. It was recently on my heart and mind, and Sunday's sermon included this scripture as well. I recalled the pastor mentioning a passage in Matthew and turned there to read/reference it as well. While I couldn't recall the exact scripture reference, I was led to the passage about Judas' remorse and when Jesus came before Pilate. Matthew 27. I was focused on verses 15-26.

Specifically, in verse 19, it reads: "While he was sitting on the judgment seat, his wife sent him a message, saying,"Have nothing to do with that righteous Man; for last night I suffered greatly in a dream because of Him." 

Reading it multiple times, I asked, what significance does this have, why is this standing out to me? I don't remember having read this before--anywhere. In my brief research, I found that only Matthew included it in his gospel. Perhaps for the significance of Jesus' innocence, being confirmed through a woman behind a man of great stature. So I inquired of the Lord, why did you have me read this, now? 

And it hit me. She had a dream. She had influence on her husband. He respected her input. I realized that this is was the answer to my question. God has made me (amongst many other things) to be a strong, influential wife to the husband for whom He's prepared me. I dream often, and I believe and know that God speaks to me through dreams He provides me. Ive seen it--many times. It's so beautiful that God would use this avenue of speaking to my heart in a way that is so personal to me and to only me. Not only will I meet a man that will respect my dreams, but God has called me to be a woman who has influence on her husband. I knew this, but I don't think it really occurred to me before. That and I've really been struggling to believe God still has marriage in mind for me at this point. 

It's difficult for me to believe because of all the hurt I've been through, not only recently, but across my life. However, it makes sense that God is removing me from the hurtful environments to plant me in a place where His purpose for me can and will prevail. I don't have to worry about what others think of me, or how little people around me truly understand me; God knows my heart and He knows who I am. I know who I am and I know my intentions and what aren't my intentions. I know how God has grown me over the last few years, and I'm so very thankful. And honestly, I'm beginning to get to the point that I don't care what other people think about me, because they don't know me. They only know me through what THEY think of me. Very few have taken the time to hear my story and get to know me for who I am. While that doesn't matter, it reminds me of why this world is so painful; so hurtful. The mentality is about believing what someone thinks of you either by what someone has said, or perhaps even a misunderstood moment in time. If only we were all more open to being vulnerable and communicating our doubts and insecurities, we could very often be reassured that we are our own worst enemy and that those ideas were not true of the other person. How little effort we really put into getting to know other people. It's such a lack of love and I think that's what bothers me most. 

How often are we willing to debunk our own perceptions, lay them aside, give people the benefit of the doubt that either they had pure intentions or no underlying agenda at all? Hard to believe this day and age, I know. It may be rare, but it's out there. I do, however, get tired of seeing people's thoughts of me on their faces and seeing them alter their behavior because of their own insecurities or ideas of what they think about me. I notice, I just don't say anything--so I choose to move on my merry way, continuing to live in God's purpose for my life. This is why I've out-grown what has become familiar to me. Misunderstood by others is the reality of what I am most often. 

Jesus was so compassionate. He took the time to get to know people. He didn't just preach to them. He didn't just heal them. He knew them first. He spoke to an area of their life that no one else paid attention to; either because they don't want to get involved, or it's too messy; or it's not what people do in general. Something else Jesus did was break the norms of the culture. I believe we are to do the same. If we only do the things which are acceptable to the majority, how will we ever look different than the world and be an example of what Jesus has to offer? I mean, I take a look at this world--I know I sure don't want what it has to offer...just saying. 

Ah, but the things of the Lord are foolishness to the perishing. Yes, but that shouldn't keep us from praising God by being who He's created us to be in all of our incredible variety! It's absolutely reassuring that the dreamer in me will still be a dreamer and it will be a way God allows me to be an influence to my husband--whenever that time comes. He won't find it weird or strange, but rather respect it and heed what God is speaking through them. What a day that will be--to have a glimpse of God's love for me through the man I marry and the respect that is required to be heard and valued for the word I bring him. The Holy Spirit sure is beautiful and loving and kind to comfort us in our doubt, fears, or even questioning. God knows. That's why He made it possible to have the indwelling Holy Spirit. The Helper. Our strength. Our sustenance. Lord keep me close on this journey. I know it's only going to become even more beautiful.