Subtitle: Understanding a Man’s Deepest Thirst
First off, the title is good, but I found this chapter convicting. The Good Lord showed me areas where I can become strong and what I need to work on most by my reading this chapter. I asked forgiveness for where my heart has not aligned to the wonderful Godly example of a woman in this chapter. I will also pull out a few items which stood out to me.
To give a little context, the example of Elijah providing for the widow is given. But the takeaway, was Elijah’s miraculous provision for this woman became common place, which is in 1 Kings.
“What once seemed like an extraordinary occurrence—flour and oil that never ran out—soon became a common blessing, so expected that it ceased to be noticed, much less appreciated. After a week or so, it was just the way things were.”
“The little things we allow to annoy us seem trivial compared to the loss of blessings once taken for granted”
“To move a man, you must learn to appreciate him for who he is, which comes wrapped up in all that he is not.”
“[These] vows tell us that marriage is about accepting the fact that all of us are weak. Marriage is a commitment to accept our spouse’s fallibilities as well as their strengths”
“God can do divine things through our weaknesses. Because He is a musician, he can play exquisitely beautiful music through dented instruments. Made in His image, that becomes our goal in marriage, too; bringing the best music out of our “dented” spouse.”
“Your job as a wife is to fight to stay sensitive to your husband’s strengths.”
“It does something to a man’s heart when his wife and kids look happy to see him.”
“Men who merely cope never change, they just pass time. They’re medicating the pain rather than attacking the disease.”
“Affirmation is more than a man’s desire—much more. Acceptance and encouragement are biblical requirements.”
“…chastened and softened. That’s the power women have—one magnanimous gesture and one aptly spoken phrase can work wonders.”
“Can you see the good in your husband, even when he’s at his worst? Can you pause long enough to see the hurt behind the heat, and call him to his best?”
This is a lot to digest, and it’s not even everything that stood out to me. The author mentioned that men have a keen ability to pick up on a woman’s disappointment in them. He said men often respond with the thought, “If I can’t please her by trying my hardest then why should I try at all?” While he doesn’t encourage that response, I must say that a woman has the same sense about a man when all he does is try to say things to “appease” her. Much the same way, I think it’s more important to realize that if our actions are not genuine, our partner will know. I would say, though if a man is feeling this way, then communication has not been made a priority. He has not learned about his wife to know what it is she needs. He should speak up and say, how can I best show my love for you, since this was my intent, but it was received differently? In this, she may be able to recognize his gestures and pick up on ways he is showing her his love as well. It is not that only one is responsible. Both have to seek to know and understand what makes their partner tick and thrive in the marriage.
I strongly desire a man who can lead the household in faith; take initiative to do things first. Yes, I am a strong woman, and a faithful follower of Christ, but the biblical example is that He made Adam first—then Eve. Just as Christ is the head of the church, the man should be the leader of a household. Now, I do not mean in a way that makes the wife less-than or demeans her in any way. They are of equal value, but the actions should be initiated by a man. When a man allows a woman to take the lead, it is no longer a biblical example of a marriage. Yes, one may be stronger than another, whether in faith or anything else; but to lead him, is incorrect and takes away from his biblical calling as a husband and man. Rather, a wife should encourage him to take the lead, not do it instead. This is why the fall of all mankind occurred in the first place, in Genesis—because the woman took the lead, and the man went along with it. I pray I allow my husband to feel that he has the ability to step up in this way, not being fearful of failure or doing something incorrectly, but that I will see his efforts and encourage them more. This is where the sensitivity of a woman can become her true strength—by picking up on these moments and positively reinforcing him whenever he takes the lead.
I know words of affirmation are important, but I didn’t realize that the consensus is true with nearly all men. In some form or fashion, a survey noted that of those that took the survey, all men answered with some type of affirmation to be the top quality needed from their spouse. I think by being aware of this, women can very clearly use words of affirmation to keep blessings and the strengths of their husband from becoming common place actions. And also knowing this, it’s important to only do this for your own spouse. If it isn’t coming from his woman, it will come from another—and that is the slippery slope when a marriage may be going through tough times.
I probably should have waited for the questions, but if I’m repeating anything, perhaps I should take note of how important it must be to me.
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These questions are specific to a husband, so again—in preparation for my future spouse, I will answer how it currently pertains to me:
Strong, genuine faith in God, keen sense of humor/playfulness/love of laughter, and ambition. While these three are the most important to me, of course, attractiveness and intelligence cannot be completely off the table.
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Challenging question—I don’t even want to think about this scenario, but I would have to say, I would miss his voice, ability to provide and love on family and the quirks about him that I come to know and love. There is such a level of comfort that a man’s voice can bring—when he is your man. I had a grandfather who couldn’t hear well near the end of his life, but he would watch our faces and would beam with joy when he saw us laughing. It made me realize that the sound of our loved ones’ voices have such an impact on our souls that we may not understand until we either can’t hear them or they are gone. There is nothing I understand more in my life, than the need to provide financially for a household. I have been on my own for many years now, and it is quite a burden (while I’m completely capable) to have to do everything. Not having help taking out the trash, or to hang a ceiling fan, or fix the toilet… I have learned how to do many things, but to have everything on my shoulders is a lot of weight and I don’t think very many people realize that. Still, I won’t give in to temptation just to have someone around who can help carry the financial, or even physical burdens life brings. Since I have no children, and I am not even sure I would be a very good parent, I hope the man I marry has a strong sense of being a father. Being confident around kids, which I am not. I know I have a motherly instinct which does and can kick in, but not having really put that into practice, I would have to lean on a man who has that confidence and/or some experience; it is not one of my strengths. Also, since my father was not there for me as I needed, I would hope to have a man that would really care about his children and be emotionally available to them. Not only as a reflection of our Heavenly Father’s love, but as a whole family unit, rather than a single parent at any time, because having both parents in your life, really makes a difference. There has always been a prayer in my journals, that my spouse would have to have at least one unusual trait so that I could recognize him. I wasn’t specific about what, but I know it would be a rarity that was unique to him. There is just something I find special about having a true “one-of-a-kind” spouse, so to speak.
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James 3:2: For we all stumble in many ways. If anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to reign in the whole body as well.
I think this is a great point to remember in any relationship, but especially in a marriage. Having unrealistic expectations of our spouse, is simply not biblical. Nor is it possible to attain perfection. That’s what makes it unrealistic. I’m reminded of lyrics in the song, “The Father’s House” where it says, "You never wanted perfect, you just wanted my heart…” Oh how true this is in a marriage. If we truly love our partner, then we do not ever expect perfection. However, we know that our imperfections also do not keep us from being loved. We can really only understand that from the love of our Heavenly Father first. Oh, if we truly had the fire to love our spouse with the intent of winning their heart and seeing their heart, rather than trying to be perfect, how much more fulfilling we would find our marriage being. Keep the focus of the other person’s heart at the center at all times, and you will not want to cause any hurt or pain. This is how we can reflect the heart of the Father.
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I have prayed as a young teenager that I would always lovingly welcome my husband home. I think because I did not see this in my household, it was one of those things I picked up on and prayed would be different in my life. While I didn’t have the example, it doesn’t mean that God cannot teach me by His love how to be loving and accepting and genuinely caring towards my spouse. Plus, as long as I’ve been waiting, I’m not sure how I wouldn’t joyfully greet him! I know after a challenging day at work, I do need some time to transition from the environment to home, to be able to really relax, but I remember a job I had where I could do nothing but complain about it. It took me a long time to realize that my job was really negatively impacting all areas of my life, so I quit. While I’m thankful this is not the case for me now, I better understand the importance of my personal needs to be all that I can be to those in my home and ultimately my life. I think I would probably inquire of my husband to ask what makes him feel most loved and try to implement that into either a daily action, or greeting upon his returning home. Nothing is more important (especially with my parents’ divorce) that he chooses to come home to cherish me every day, and that will make me want to cherish him all the more in return.
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The look I have for my husband will be unmistakable and only for him. When someone waits a lifetime for the love of their life, nothing will be able to deter the enjoyment! Yes, there will be ups and downs and times where we may not get along or even like each other in the moment, but I never want to become so calloused that I do not look at him like I cherish him. Hate is not a word or action I allow in my life or my vocabulary—for anyone. It is my goal to not allow my heart to be bitter, vengeful or even calloused to others for any reason. Yes, I have been deeply hurt by so many in my life, but I just look to the Father, knowing that every pain and heartache I endure makes me all the more like him, molding me to be more compassionate and treat others with His love, rather than the ways I have been treated so often. Every time I experience pain from others, (most often emotional) I become so stubborn and determined to not be like that in any way. People don’t know this about me, and I’m not the best at it by any means, but I am so serious about this because there is already too much hate and division in this world to not show the love of my Heavenly Father.
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Not being married and never having dated I do not have a specific man that I can say where they are most likely to fail in character. However, from the experiences in my life of my parents’ divorce, to many friendships and unhealthy relationships I’ve witnessed in my life, I must say that I have a list of traits that I cannot stand:
Dishonesty, not being genuine, lack of ambition (complacency), lack of communication/inability to have a discussion (not an argument), unwillingness to collaborate, ignoring me/having to repeat myself, not looking at me when speaking or spoken to, publicly disrespecting me, saying things to appease me, not respecting my needs/boundaries. I may have more, but without a significant other experience in my life, I really don’t know of many others right now. These are all I have experienced from friends, family or relatives that I KNOW do not bode well in any circumstances and makes me quite short or distant when they happen.
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Lord, thank you for fearfully and wonderfully making me and my future spouse. I pray that you will not allow me to become the things I have listed above—since I cannot ask anything of someone I am not willing to be myself, I pray you continue to mold me into the Proverbs 31 woman I have always strived to be. I pray you continue teaching me to have a heart of gratitude, thankfulness and compassion towards all. As painful and challenging as it can be sometimes to always reflect you (since all fall short of the glory of God) I would rather reflect your character than anything else in my life. Forgive me where I have not. I pray you allow me the capacity to love my husband the way only you can teach me to love him, that he would feel appreciated, cared for, cherished, affirmed, loved and wanted. I ask that you bless us with communication, that we develop a language all our own, which helps us understand there is no one else besides the other. I pray for a love so deep that it can only come from you—a confidence of your promise, that what you have brought together no man can separate. I pray you allow me to see the strengths of my husband to which I can speak encouragement and affirmation into his soul. I pray you give me the wisdom to know when he is about to engage in an action unbefitting of your character to lovingly correct yet also affirm his positive character traits in that moment of need. I pray you allow me to bring out the best in my husband, that you show me the ways he needs my love—so I can be an example of your sacrificial love to me (and him), to the best of my ability. I ask for the wisdom I need to love, accept and honor my imperfect husband, just as he is. Help me to never take him for granted, or to allow extraordinary occurrences become only common blessings; help me not to expect them, but forever be thankful for even the little things in life—whether it’s holding a door, taking out the trash, thinking of me and grabbing me coffee at a gas station, or even pumping the gas to an even dollar, since I can never seem to do it myself. Help me to see the good in my husband always, but especially when he is at his worst. Help me to pause long enough to recognize the hurt behind the heat and call him to his best (and that he does the same for me). May we always put You first before the other, seeking you and your direction and love, so that our cup may overflow into our lives, and specifically to one another. Thank you for loving me enough to make me who you have made me and for making my future husband, who he is so that we can show your light and life to the world through the wonderful example of a biblical marriage when that time comes. I ask all in Jesus’ mighty and precious name. Amen.
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