Ephesians 4:1[…] live a life worthy of the calling for which you have received.
I have always tried to do this though I’m not very good at it—shoot, I’m not even good—even all my praise is but filthy rags without you, Lord. I do try seeking opportunities to stretch myself, to learn, to improve-not for the goal of perfection, but for living worthy of Your call on my life, God. While You are the one who provides my progressive sanctification, and the Holy Spirit indwelling in me is at work to always will and to do God’s purposes, I have to yield to the Holy Spirit daily, taking up my cross and dying to myself. If I say I have no sin, I deceive myself. Lord please forgive me for when I have put myself and my wants above Yours; for when I have not been willing to be a living sacrifice for Your purpose alone. While it isn’t easy, I thank You that You use me and love me in spite of my imperfections, doubts, fears, unbelief and misunderstandings. Help me to be more like You in all that I do, in every circumstance. Help me to rejoice for the joy of the Lord is my strength. It is by Your grace and Your grace alone that I have been saved, and this nothing of myself. It is Your gift to me. Help me to live worthy of You.
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“What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?"
This seems to be the question that lingers for me from this chapter. It’s not even at the end of the chapter. In Gary Thomas’ book Sacred Marriage this is analyzed thoroughly. Basically, the imperfections of others are designed to help us grow. Especially when it is a couple of someones all up in each others space, when not used to it—this can be a challenge. My personal convictions are to never live with a man before marriage. Financially, things can get tight. Life has been tough, but it's a protective measure of how God designs intimacy that I don’t allow before matrimonial commitment. I’ve even turned guys down who asked me or hinted to me to move in before even having a relationship with me; we were barely even friends. I knew the answer right away, because it’s a standard I’ve always had to protect the sacredness of the marriage covenant. I honestly have not much desire to date, because to find someone with this same mindset is so very rare.
I think though, the reason that this is so challenging, is not because of what I learn about or have to work with the other person on, but what the other person’s actions reveals about my own self. This can be true in any relationship whether friends, parents, siblings, co-workers or authorities. What others do that push our buttons are not to push our buttons—we are only seeing our own imperfections manifesting out of what others’ actions reveal from what is inside us. A few scriptures come to mind for me here:
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Prov. 4:23)
“[…] For out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.” (Luke 6:45b)
I have at times, guarded my heart so well that I don’t let others in, resulting in a few close friends only, but I so cherish them. They know who they are and they are undoubtedly life long friends. The reasoning is because of how easily and how deeply I hurt. I’ve always been told I'm too sensitive and that crying means I’m weak. Only in recent years have I really learned that crying is healthy and not to fear it. I find myself able to reset after a good cry. Learning to love me and my sensitivity level has been gruesome at times for me (and unpleasant for others, I’m afraid). Even at work, my excitement of bringing in tissues was not exactly welcome with joy—there was concern, “You’re not going to cry are you?” I find it better to let it out than to hold it in these days. While uncomfortable, I’m still learning. The important thing is, what can I control? I can control my responses and my own actions. That is what I must focus on improving.
Another small item from this chapter is, “when your husband breaks your heart, let God fill it.” Notice, that's not an “if” that’s a “when” it happens. What can I learn now although I am not married? I can learn how when my heart aches because of others’ actions I need to understand why I feel the way I feel about it. Feelings and investigating them was something I dismissed in order to be accepted by my family. I was known as the tattle-tale, always ratting out the cousins doing what they shouldn’t be doing—all because I knew we shouldn’t be doing them. And I was not accepted, but left out constantly. I learned to remain quiet and become the safety guard and later the designated driver always, so that I could gain the acceptance of others. For some reason, God has given me an innate desire to always do what is right. I don’t even think I understand it (though I think it has to do with the gifts He has given me). I have always expected others to have the same level of conviction and it simply isn’t the case and thus, life has been extremely disappointing to learn I am one of very few with such strong convictions. This means I must be more forgiving of others who don’t hold the same level of discipline.
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(disclaimer, these questions were specific to a marriage/husband which I currently am void, so my answers are adapted to my current circumstances)
#1 As recently as yesterday and today, I realize I am my own worst enemy. I am unable to tolerate my own strong emotions and process them without letting them out. While I know I feel the way I feel in that moment, and it hurts, it’s always to my own detriment. Im unable to express what I truly need, but because I’m raw and hurting, I say exactly what I feel, which hurts my relationships. I do currently feel stuck in a situation that I did not ask for; I feel like my dreams have been taken from me; I feel like while I am trying to live my life above reproach and earnestly seeking God I am being accused of being someone I’m not. It’s as if someone accuses me of being destructive to a church-many churches even, and I’m only there to learn and grow and build up. Yet this ‘persona’ follows me wherever I go as if someone speaks lies about me so the place I go then turns on me and tries to shame me into guilt of something I’ve never done. Knowing I am a blessed and highly favored daughter of the One True King living in His victory is what ultimately gets me through. He has my back, He knows my heart. He understands me and is for me even if no one else is. I don’t have to run or hide, because I have nothing to hide. I get overwhelmed often, because I’m just simply tired of it all. I am not a terrible person, I am not after anyone’s man and I don’t struggle with the things I’ve been accused of struggling with. No one truly has gotten to know me or my story or how God has and continues to bring me through. But that’s okay—I don’t need to be seen or heard by anyone but my heavenly Father whom I know sings over me, and quiets me with His love. He goes before me and is always with me. In short, I need to learn to let my emotions out to God and not others so I’m not harming them and ultimately myself.
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#2 I think constantly seeking to become worthy should not be toward my husband, but of God’s calling as a wife; in essence, I should strive to be a biblical wife to the man of God He has provided for me. Yes, meeting my husband’s desire and being able to fulfill his desires as his spouse is important, but it should not be my goal/focus. I believe the measure is, am I being the wife God demonstrates in the Bible that He’s called all women to be? Am I exemplifying the traits of a woman of God that He has designed me to be? When I am those things, I guarantee the man of God that He provided is going to love that about me (I also believe this works the other way). When each individual strives to be the person of God He has called us to be individually, we can collectively celebrate the wins and encourage one another on to continue to grow, which in turn will bring us closer. It’s an individual journey two take together. As iron sharpens iron, we are called to grow one another, but only in the ways that lead the other closer to God and His heart.
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#3 While not married, God is teaching me about forgiveness and grace. Not only offering them, but asking for them when I have not been the ideal woman God desires me to be. While I’m not sure that it’s happening more often, I’m simply more aware to the frequency of recurring events for me. While I may have had the ability to play the oblivious card or the denial card, I’m acutely aware of my own short-comings these days. I’m sure I’ve already piled up a few to-dos here on the asking side.
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#4 While not married, I realize that God has called me to have compassion. As I read through the gospel of Mark and study it; the resounding theme is compassion. Jesus had compassion on the people because He saw them as sheep without a shepherd. While the last few years God has taught me more about Grace, Peace and answered prayers, I know that right now, He is trying to teach me about compassion. This requires my having a tender heart in order to have/feel compassion. I must be willing to be vulnerable and see people through the eyes of the Father. God wants me to view my spouse through His eyes, and not my own. All have fallen short of the glory of God, but still He had compassion. He loved me first. I must love first. When individuals in marital covenant work toward loving the other first, there likely won’t be a need that goes unmet and the relationship will flourish with satisfaction and joy while it matures.
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#5 The author is using influence but I like to say inspire or encourage. Influence is like the fruit of inspiring or encouraging. When I’m not on the defense, these actually come quite naturally to me. I have always been an encourager. I love to help others see things in themselves that they either cannot see or are denying in some way. Dreams are a touchy subject for me right now, but I have always been a dreamer, even just last night I had a strange yet pleasant dream, which made my heart swell with joy. What dreams do for a person is to give a purpose and hope for a future (think Jeremiah 29:11-13); that there is something bigger out there than what is currently being experience or lived. It’s like the concept of set the bar high and others will strive to achieve it. Rather than setting it so low that anyone and everyone can achieve it which doesn’t allow for any challenge. God designed us to work and to care for the earth, (and each other) so when we envision a dream, and help sow a seed of hope and encourage someone to reach that dream—it does something and the desire to work towards it kicks in. I set the goal for myself to travel the world. I made it to S. Korea in college by the age of 26. I didn’t think I would reach it that early in life, and I found myself wondering what to do since I was able to fulfill what I thought was a life-long dream. A dream resonates with our being and can embody so much of who we are, that when it’s reached, lost, or forgotten, we almost lose a part of ourselves. It’s important to have dreams and strive toward what makes me uniquely me and no one should know that better than my spouse.
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#6 I get frustrated with myself because I fail often. I realize my imperfections so much and it actually keeps me from wanting to try many a times or to even try again—almost as if I don’t think it will ever work, because it never has worked out before. I have a fear of the unknown (but I also know that nothing is unknown since God is already there). I think I get frustrated because I believe in myself that I can do whatever I put my mind to rather than in God who wants me to rely on Him. He has never failed to meet me exactly where I am. While I did not have this understanding of Him growing up, I absolutely know this and cherish this now. I realize though, that I cannot expect the same from whom I marry. It’s an unrealistic expectation, that only God is designed to fulfill at all times. While there will be many times my spouse will bring that validation, when it doesn’t happen, I must remember that marriage is merely a reflection of my relationship with God and not separate from it or even above it. God must always be first in my life and in the life of the man I marry.
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#7 This one is a little backward for me—I’m using my time in the world outside of marriage to learn how to properly influence others and be the woman of God He’s called me to be. It’s never good to sweep anything under the rug (which is a dysfunctional method I learned in my upbringing). I’m choosing to overcome that, because I know it’s so very unhealthy. I’ve prayed many a years for the blessing of communication with my husband, and continue to pray over the man I will marry one day. This is something I’ve done since I was 13 years old. Some of it in journals, some of it from dreams, other times; just quick prayers tossed up to God in a blissful moment that only He is aware of while I ponder it in my heart. I’d rather have it right when it comes to the responsibility of my spouse and his heart than to not have redeemed my time and learn how to be the best influence on others. God has brought numerous widows into my life which I can minister to in this time, unlike many others my age who are dedicated to families and rearing younglings. To my married friends, I can provide a time to get away from their husbands/kids and refresh and be more eager to be with their family upon return. I have hosted small groups for college students, invited international students into my home and made numerous goodies to share with others, just trying to brighten up their day or meet a simple need somehow. By my utilizing my time and doing the things God gives me to do, now, I am not idly waiting, but growing and becoming all that He’s called me to be for my husband through relating with others. Using my gifts now and growing in them to allow myself to be worthy of my husband when God allows He and I to be together.
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I was not and have not been expecting this season of my life. Although I think blissfully unaware is a great place for me to be; so wrapped up in my God and His love for me that the rest of the world fades away. I know He won’t let me miss what He has for me. Every moment is another moment I get to be with my savior and that is irreplaceable. I’m so thankful for God’s undying, unconditional love for me.
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